


Five Times Ben Dropped

by neversaydie



Series: Kink Falls AM [6]
Category: King Falls AM (Podcast)
Genre: BDSM, Bisexual Ben, Bisexuality, Consent Issues, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Multi, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon, Relationship Discussions, Subdrop, ben learn some limits for the love of god, brief mention of eating disorders, nonbinary ben
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 21:08:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14723619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neversaydie/pseuds/neversaydie
Summary: Five times Ben experienced subdrop.And one time he nipped it in the bud.[in which there's far more discussion of Ben's desperate need to be loved and lack of personal boundaries than smut.]





	Five Times Ben Dropped

**Author's Note:**

> Specific TWs: brief mention of past eating-disordered behaviour in 1. un-negotiated face slap in 2. un-negotiated slut-shaming in 3.

**1**  
  
"Okay, it's probably time you, uh, head out," Hunter isn't a bad guy, but he's very concerned with not seeming _too gay_ about things (which Ben would find hilarious if he were in a better mood, considering the dude fucked him at least three times last night), and he hits his limit as soon as Ben starts to cling.  
  
They're only fuckbuddies, experimenting during their first heady months of freedom, but last night they'd got stoned and adventurous and tried out some of the kinky stuff they'd seen in porn. Ben went all hazy after Hunter choked him out a little, and it felt so good he kept asking for more - more spanking, more fucking, more everything - as his veins sung with adrenaline and he floated somewhere high above where sex usually put him.  
  
Until this morning, when he woke up feeling like he'd gone five rounds with Bigfoot himself and done something morally terrible to boot. It's a huge contrast to his usual persona (the cheerful, easy-going mask which hides the way _love me love me please love me_ screams from every atom of his being if he doesn't suppress it), and Hunter is visibly uncomfortable when Ben appears to need comforting. That's not what they _do_.  
  
"Can I stay for a little while?" Ben is shivering in last night's clothes because he forgot to bring a sweater, but he feels like it would be too weird to ask for one and Hunter isn't offering. "I-I feel kinda weird, and-"  
  
"Sorry buddy, my roommate's gonna be home soon," he's not, because there had been some vague talk of round two in the morning, but Hunter clearly wants Ben out of his space as quickly as possible since he'd dared to ask to cuddle. "You, uh, I can give you some money for a cab, if you want."  
  
Ben walks out without saying anything else, slamming the door behind him and really not giving a shit if it wakes anyone up in the early morning. He feels soiled somehow, and the shivering gets worse until he has to duck into a bathroom before he even gets out of Hunter's dorm block. It feels like the worst adrenaline crash in the world, and he doesn't understand what the hell is happening to him.

He's definitely done something wrong, but he's got no idea what it is.  
  
Trying to make himself throw up doesn't calm him down (he's been trying to get out of that bad habit of self-punishment and flawed control since he graduated high school, so he figures maybe it just doesn't work anymore), and he ends up sitting on the closed toilet and crying until someone bangs on the door demanding access to the shower.  
  
Ben somehow makes it back to his room across campus, and spends a day hiding in bed and worrying that he's losing his mind... until his friend Liv comes by with cookies and coffee and platonic cuddles with no questions asked. He feels better for the constant touch, and soon the only reminders of what happened to him the night before are the bruises on his neck.  
  
Hunter doesn't call him again. It's probably for the best.  
  
  
**2**  
  
Chloe introduces him to the concept of subbing in his sophomore year.  
  
She's quite a bit older than Ben, a TA who technically shouldn't be sleeping with a student but is a hippie with an 'as long as everyone's consenting then what's the issue' attitude to everything in life. Ben stammers and trips over his feet the first time she compliments his presentation in class, and stammers even more when she asks him out for a drink later on. She thinks what she describes as his 'wide-eyed small town thing' is cute.  
  
She makes him beg to come the first time they sleep together, and things only get less vanilla from there.  
  
The thing is, Chloe's pretty experimental in bed and into a lot of stuff Ben isn't crazy about, kink-wise, and he doesn't really feel like he can say no to her when she's got so much more experience than him. She tries to talk to him about limits, but he doesn't really get the message because he doesn't feel like he _has_ limits. As long as it's making her happy, then that's kind of good enough for Ben to at least try it… even if it's not something he's into. She talks about safe words and stuff, and Ben understands it in theory but knows he'd never have to use it in practice.  
  
Until he does. Or, well, he should have.  
  
The first time Chloe slaps him across the face, there's no warning. The blow comes out of the blue, while she's on top of him and his hands are securely cuffed to her fancy metal headboard in her actual grown-up apartment. In retrospect, he thinks it was the fact his hands were tied which freaked him out - that he had nowhere to go, couldn't defend himself, felt helpless - but at the time he just freezes.  
  
He doesn't (can't) say no, he doesn't (can't) say stop, and Chloe kisses his red cheek sweetly and rides him until they both come, although he doesn't feel a thing.  
  
Ben knows he's heading for a crash as soon as he comes out of his submissive headspace, when Chloe is in the bathroom and he's suddenly hit with a cold, sickly wave of _wrong_ . He fumbles his clothes on and leaves the apartment without really knowing what he's doing, ignoring his phone when it starts buzzing frantically as she tries to make sure he's okay.  
  
One of the campus security guards stops him and asks if he's drunk, considering the way he's weaving all over the sidewalk as he tries to make it home. Ben manages to stutter something vaguely convincing about a blood sugar crash, and the guy takes pity on him and walks him back to his dorm. Ben falls into bed fully clothed, giving himself over to the weepiness which always happens after a crash and telling himself he's stupid for wishing he had someone to cling to.  
  
Ben doesn't understand why Chloe is so upset the next day, when he gets himself together enough to call and explain that sometimes he gets weird after doing kink stuff and he didn't want to bother her with it. She chews him out over not telling her about his triggers (he doesn't _have_ triggers, so he doesn't know why he's being yelled at), and tells him that he shouldn't be in a relationship like theirs if he's not mature enough to handle himself.  
  
He didn't even know he could do something wrong here and he has. Again.  
  
Ben replies that he wasn't aware they _were_ in a relationship, and quickly finds out that they aren't anymore. He gets back into bed and stays there for a few days until he feels normal again - proving that he doesn't need anyone to help him.  
  
Ben can handle himself, by himself. Whether he wants to or not is irrelevant.  
  
  
**3**  
  
Two other production interns start at Channel Nine the same time Ben does, and he, Josh, and Nisha quickly fall into the kind of quasi-platonic relationship which involves dates, threesomes, and precisely no strings. Ben's a little in love with both of them, with Nisha's almond eyes and Josh's Irish freckles, and he's expecting the overwhelming urge to make them happy which always overtakes him when it hits - right on schedule.  
  
This time, Ben is the one who introduces kink to the relationship. He's done some research this time - after nothing but a few uncomplicated, vanilla hook-ups during his last couple years of college - and Nisha joins him in a somewhat analytic approach to experimenting in the bedroom. Josh is happier to play fast and loose, and rolls his eyes when Ben tries to ask him if he's okay with something after they're already fucking because _he already said yes, c'mon_.  
  
It's hard not to fall back into old patterns with Josh… so Ben kind of does. Nisha calls him _Benjamin_ and gently pulls his hair and tells him he's a good boy when he eats her out, whereas Josh prefers Ben to shove him around and tell him how bad he is… and responds in kind.  
  
It's not like Ben doesn't _like_ being roughed up, in fact he invariably enjoys it when his partners are lovingly mean to him - but the _loving_ part has to be there. He can listen to Nisha make fun of him for how cute it is that he's desperate to fuck her all day long, but when Josh calls him a slut and tells him he's pathetic for being so needy, he gets that sour twist in his stomach which tells him he's done something very wrong and can't fix it.  
  
"Fuck, Ben, I'm sorry. You never said anything, and I just…" he's lying on the couch with his head in Nisha's lap later, after she's coaxed him out of panicking in the bathroom with the promise of gentle contact and a sugary drink, when Josh kneels down in front of him to apologise.  
  
Ben had hidden his head under a pillow while they fought earlier, because his parents arguing is the one memory he has of his dad and it still makes him break out into a cold sweat decades later. Nisha read Josh the riot act, from what he couldn't avoid overhearing, before coming back to smile at Ben and cuddle him and promise him that he hasn't done anything wrong.  
  
Except he has, of course he has, because he's managed to put strain on _their_ relationship too.  
  
"I didn't realise, baby. I'm so sorry," Josh apologises again when Ben doesn't respond, reaching out to touch his cheek and hurriedly pulling back when Ben flinches. "I didn't even realise you were under, and… I fucked up. I'm sorry."  
  
"S'okay," Ben's prepared for the touch this time, and turns his face a little to press a kiss to Josh's palm when he strokes his cheek. Josh looks extremely relieved, expression softening beneath his guilt, and Ben almost feels better until Nisha's fingers accidentally tighten where they've been stroking his hair.  
  
"It's not okay," she's glaring at Josh, Ben can hear it in the tone of her voice, and he rolls over to hide his face in her stomach, curling in on himself because he can't handle them fighting over him. "He was horribly upset, he could have really hurt himself if-"  
  
"Nish, he's embarrassed. Let him be," Josh has a surprisingly gentle hand on Ben's back, and he must be able to feel the slight tremors of adrenaline still running through him because he lowers his voice pointedly. "We can fight about it later. The internet said to just let him come down now."  
  
"Please don't fight about it later. I'm fine," Ben mumbles weakly, but neither of them respond.  
  
Ben can't help but feel responsible when Nisha transfers to a different internship a few months later and their little trio unofficially dissolves. He always makes everyone leave.  
  
  
**4**  
  
"But I didn't do anything wrong," Ben stares at his trembling hands in distant disbelief, because this isn't supposed to happen with Emily.  
  
They've both done everything right, they've done their research and thought about it separately and _talked_ about this stuff… this isn't supposed to happen to him now. They've had plenty of both vanilla and kinky sex - Emily's tied him up and pegged him raw, ridden his face so much he's sure it should count as breathplay, teased him until he was blushing so hard he wondered how he even had enough blood in the rest of his body to maintain an erection - without anything like this happening once.  
  
Hell, they've even tried things that went badly (Ben's not a pain guy when he properly thinks about his limits, as they figure out when he calls a resounding _red_ on what Emily considered a very light spanking), and there's never been a problem. Ben went a little deeper into subspace than usual last night (he doesn't usually go under much at all) but nothing had suggested he would wake up feeling sick and sore and like the whole world was about to crash down on him.  
  
"You didn't," Emily agrees, settling her hand on his back where he's sitting up in bed, confused. It's around noon, considering their schedules are always a little fucked up because of the late night show, and the light shining through a gap in the drapes catches the worry on her face. Ben feels terrible. "What's up, Benny?"  
  
"I don't… This doesn't happen with you," he shakes his head, willing his jelly limbs to move so he can go and hide somewhere until his brain is functioning enough for him to act normal again. Emily doesn't deserve to have to deal with this. "I just need to go…"  
  
He trails off into silence, tongue tied and paralysed. Emily gently pushes him to lie back down and he goes willingly, in spite of his confusion.  
  
"Do you feel like you're sick?" She probes, pulling him into her arms and moving his head to rest on her chest when he mumbles a no. "Maybe kind of unsteady and sad?"  
  
"I… I didn't do anything wrong," he repeats, feeling stupid when saying the words makes him start to tear up. Emily shushes him softly, running her fingers through his curls and carefully working out the tangles without pulling. For some reason, that kind of consideration makes Ben tear up even more.  
  
"You didn't do anything wrong. You were so good for me, I promise," she keeps her voice low and soothing, not seeming to mind when Ben hides his face in the crook of her neck like he wants to shut the world out. "I think you're just dropping a little, honey. We can stay right here for a while and you'll feel better soon."  
  
"But… why?" Ben has to admit it's easier like this, letting Emily calm his shivers with her gentle touches the same way he comforts her after a nightmare, rather than hiding out in the cold bathroom and trying to force his head back on straight. "I didn't… nothing bad happened."  
  
Her touch falters at that, and Ben braces himself for having fucked up again. He'd been hesitant to bring any sort of kink into their relationship (Emily had been the driving force behind this, which had reassured him) because he'd been convinced he would eventually fuck things up… and he's afraid he's about to be proven right.  
  
"Benny, subdrop is just a chemical reaction in your brain. You know it's not a punishment for doing something bad, right?" The caution in her voice sends cold fear cascading through Ben's veins, but Emily is already smoothing her hand down the back of his neck and trying to ease the tension. "Hey, we'll worry about it when you're feeling better, okay? I love you, I'm not going anywhere. Just relax."  
  
Ben can tell they're going to be having _A Talk_ after this… but for once he's not afraid of that. It's Emily, after all, and for once in his life he believes that even if he's fucked up, they can fix it together.  
  
  
**5**  
  
Ben's been a pain in the ass all night, and Sammy has had just about enough of it.  
  
Ben can tell his friend is reaching the end of his tether. Sammy's only become more frustrated as he's been too slow to react to pretty much anything with the bleeper tonight, played the wrong commercials (including one for Archie which has hasn't actually paid for yet), and generally zoned out through the entire show. He's been trying his best to get his head in the game and be present, but the nauseous, shaky tug of spent adrenaline keeps pulling him back out of focus.

He'd thought he was fine this morning when Emily left, but the hollow feeling has only got worse as the day trudged on. If Ben wasn't going back to an empty house then he would have called in sick, but he'd sort of hoped just being around his best friend would fix him up a little… which hasn't been the case.  
  
"The hell's wrong with you tonight, man? You're all over the place," Sammy tries to rein in his temper when he speaks up during a commercial, because he knows Ben wouldn't be intentionally fucking up the show, but it's getting ridiculous.

And Ben's even on his _phone_ now, texting furiously and not even looking at Sammy where he's trying to talk to him. Sammy reaches over the desk and snatches the phone away in a flash of irritation, because Ben _knows_ this isn't how they do things.  

"Ben, for the love of god. I know we're pretty relaxed here, but you gotta get your shit together or you might as well just go…"  
  
Sammy trails off when he realises Ben's face is twisting where he's staring at the desk where his phone had been. He's… trying not to cry? That wasn't supposed to happen.  
  
"Shit, hey, no," Sammy hurriedly snatches off his headphones and comes around the desk, reaching out gingerly and blinking in surprise when Ben practically throws himself into his arms. This isn't… normal. "Sorry, man, I didn't mean to… What's going on?"

"Emmy's out of town," Ben mumbles quietly, muffled in Sammy's shirt. Sammy frowns and tentatively rubs his friend's back and waits for the rest, reaching over to press play on another commercial when this one finishes, because they're definitely not radio-ready right now. "We did some stuff last night and I kinda… I don't feel so good, today."

"You… Oh," Sammy grimaces when he realises what that means and hugs Ben a little tighter, sympathising. "Aw, Ben."

He and Jack and Ben and Emily have become very close over the past couple of years, close enough for Jack and Emily in particular to bond over their… less vanilla extracurricular activities. Sammy and Ben have had conversations about subdrop, but neither of them have brought it into the station before - especially not when their other half was unavailable to help.

"She hasn't boarded the flight yet, right?" Sammy detangles himself from Ben's octopus cling and grabs the confiscated phone from his side of the desk, handing it back with a tinge of embarrassment colouring his cheeks. "Go call her, take as much time as you need. I got this."

Not in a position to do anything but what he's told, Ben shuffles off to the break room and curls up tightly in the corner of the couch. He talks to Emily until she has to get on the plane, and he feels a little more stable by the time Sammy emerges from the recording room, having apparently wrapped up the show early.  
  
Ben almost cries again at that, at the care being shown for him without him having to beg for it or wait for scraps, at the knowledge that his friends _love_ him despite his obvious flaws. Sammy's hugs are a little rough and slightly irritable, like he's offended that Ben didn't ask for one earlier, and that… helps, weirdly. As does the fact Sammy tells him, unquestionably, that he's staying with him and Jack tonight.

Ben falls asleep in the car on the way down the mountain, and by the time he wakes up, he doesn't feel sick anymore.  
  
  
**+1**  
  
"Emmy, I feel weird."  
  
"Weird how?" Emily looks up from her puzzle (she finds crosswords therapeutic… except for when Ben tries to help and makes lewd suggestions regardless of the clues) to where Ben is hovering in the kitchen doorway. He's bundled up in one of her oversized sweaters, sleeves bunched up over his hands as he fidgets nervously with the fabric.  
  
"I just… feel a lot," he scrubs at one eye and smudges the eyeliner he'd applied so meticulously earlier in the name of self care, and Emily pushes back her chair a little and motions him over. It doesn't take much encouragement for him to come, which gives her a good idea of what the issue is.  
  
"Give me more words, sweetie," she urges gently, wrapping her arms around Ben's waist once he's settled in her lap. He doesn't allow himself this sort of feeling small (not the kind of small Sammy and Troy tease him about) often, so Emily lets him tuck himself under her chin and find the comfort he needs. It's been a little easier since he's started to figure out the nonbinary thing, but it's still hard for him to allow himself to be soft, sometimes.

"Just… a little droppy? Not right there, but if I leave it… it'll get worse," he admits quietly, sounding embarrassed but forcing the words out anyway. Emily gives him a squeeze because she's really, really proud of him right now.

It's been an ongoing struggle for both of them to admit when they're feeling low, to catch it before it becomes a full on funk or - for Ben in particular - builds up until it comes out in the form of a hard drop. Emily will write him notes to tell him if she needs something, because she finds it easier than putting the words together, and Ben…

Ben is still working out what he needs. But this is proof he's getting there.

"Thank you for telling me, Benny. You did so good," she presses a kiss into his hair, and Ben sighs quietly as some of the tension leaves his shoulders. Yeah, Emily thinks they can nip this in the bud before it gets any worse. "Nature docs and hot chocolate?"  
  
"And marshmallows," he specifies, which only makes Emily's smile bigger. "And hugs."

"And hugs," she promises, resting her cheek on Ben's head when he doesn't seem ready to move yet. That's okay, they've got time. "I've got you."


End file.
